Why 70% of Dads Feel Invisible

In this episode, I break down the raw reality of being ignored as a dad and why men must step outside of the "just a provider" box to become emotional nurturers. 

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Key Themes:
You are not alone
Being okay with expressing your feelings
Find proof that you matter
Ego And Childhood Roots
Final Encouragement

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I came across this crazy fatherhood stat that said that seven out of ten dads feel undervalued in their role as a dad. What does that mean to you? Undervalued? When I hear that word, I feel like it means that 70% of us feel that people, society, those near or close to us feel that we're not capable. Right? It feels like they don't take us seriously. And that bothers me. I'm sure it bothers you as well. And this video is going to talk about A, you're not alone, clearly. Uh, B, why it's okay to feel this way and express your emotions around feeling this way and not feel like you're less of a quote unquote man because you want to express you feel undervalued in your role. And lastly, how do we navigate that? What are some ways that we can prove that no, actually, we mean a lot to our children? If you are an OG listener of the podcast or you know, this YouTube channel, you're gonna know this story. I've told it a few times. New folks, tap in, listen to this. So a few years ago, my son had surgery on his uh to take out his appendix, appendicitis, and out of the two days we were in the hospital with him, I want to say maybe 20 times nurses and doctors came in and out the room to give updates. Pre-surgery, post surgery. Every single nurse, every single doctor who came into our room did not pay me any attention. They gave all the updates while giving all the eye contact to his mom, and I am right there. I'm I'm in the room, right? I'm there, and they don't even acknowledge me. It's like I'm invisible, right? They don't even see me, and that made me feel terrible. Actually, it's one of the huge reasons why I started this mindful fatherhood coaching thing. It's so one of the reasons why I came up with the 365 Dad Journal. It's like I need to find a way to not only express how I'm feeling right now and do it in a way that will help me, but also I know so many men will relate to feeling this way, and that was a huge turning point for me in this whole fatherhood journey was realizing that you are truly undervalued, and it's okay to feel upset about that, but we don't want to be a victim in that. We want to navigate that and find proof that despite what anybody thinks about what you can and can do as a father when it comes to uh caretaking, especially emotionally, that I don't care because I can find proof that my kids value what I bring to the table. Okay, so that's one is feeling like you know what, I know many men relate to what I'm going through. All right, the second, well, let's take about let's talk about another story. Parent teacher conferences. I know you relate to this. You probably don't even think about this. Think about how many times you're at a parent teacher conference, you and mom and teacher, and think back to all the times that if you feel like the teacher included you in the conversation, gave you some eye contact. For me, for years, never, never, you know. It's like me, his mom, and the teacher are in front is in front of us, and they don't even look at me, you know, and that makes me feel terrible because I'm here. I care about my son's educational progress. I'm here, but it's society. I promise you, it don't even, it's not your fault, so you're not alone. The second thing, be okay with expressing that, be okay with navigating that. Sit on these feelings and and and just be alright that you feel this way. It's totally normal, you know. Some people will try to tell you that, oh, get over it, you know. No, I I listen, I don't want to be just a provider, I want to be all things. I want to provide, I want to be an emotional nurturer, I want to be a physical nurturer, a mental nurturer, spiritual nurturer to my kids. Like, no one's gonna tell me that because I'm a man, I can't be that. Yeah, I can. All right, and so actually, another real life story that I'm dealing with. My daughter just had a pretty bad fall at summer camp, and her mom lives in Atlanta, and her mom decides because she has this bad fall, she's gonna come to New Jersey. Now, physically, right? If you're just worried about looks, her face has some bruises on it. We're not debating that, but her spirit is so high, she's running around, she has all her senses, her teeth didn't fall out, you know, like she's in high spirits, she just has some bruises on her face. I told her mom, I don't think that's necessary for you to come here. She's well taken care of. I can't stop somebody from coming to see their child, so here she is. Now I feel that if her mom didn't undervalue what I'm able to do for our daughter, I feel that she wouldn't have she would not have felt the need to come here, right? Uh I can take care of this. She's fine, she's well taken care of, it's not necessary. She's only with me for the summer. This is a very new development, right? She just moved. I'm getting over that. She's leaving next week. I don't want our time to be disrupted, which I feel is an unnecessarily. Now, we don't mom bash on this show, right? On this channel, on this pod. So, you know, bravo to her. She has the resources to jump on a flight to be there for her daughter. We love moms, we, you know, if I think a children who have active moms and dads, I think they're blessed because a lot of them don't. And so love moms, but I just feel as though in this situation, this was another case of me getting proof that I'm undervalued in this role. Okay, now am I okay with feeling this way? I am, I don't feel less of a man, like I feel like I'm taking this role pretty seriously, which is a whole nother topic, whole nother video. But I've identified as this being that being dad that is there spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, I hang my hat on that. And so when it feels like others think that I'm not capable or you know, I'm not important enough, or something like that, like it hurts my feelings for sure, and I'm okay with expressing that, and you should be okay with expressing that as well. Now, how do we navigate that though? How do we right? We don't want to sit in victim mode, right? Let's not do that. So, how do we navigate out of that? You navigate out of that by finding proof, right? It's like when the negative thoughts come in, oh I suck at life, or I should be here, or this blah blah blah blah. The best way to process that is to look at the thought and find proof that that is BS. And so that's what I have been doing. Whenever I get a feeling that I'm not valued in my role, I just find proof that I'm very valuable to my children. The best way to find that proof is think about the times that your children expressed to you that how much they appreciated you. Now, I understand if you're a dad listening to this and maybe you have younger kids, one, two years old, or something like that. It may be hard for you to find that type of proof, but I guarantee you there are ways that you can find proof, even if you have a six-month-old. There are ways that our children let us know that they appreciate us, right? And my son tells me all the time, oh, I'm so understanding. He tells me all the time, you know, he feels good that he can come and talk to me about whatever he has going on outside of the typical guy stuff, right? I look to that as no, I clearly provide value, and it's not just provider value, it's not just disciplinarian value, it's a deep value that I provide to him. My daughter, whenever she bumps herself or scrapes herself, or she's feeling sick or something like that, I take care of her. She tells me all the time, Daddy, thank you for taking care of me. Daddy, I love you, thank you for taking care of me. That means something because when you start replaying all the evidence that you are capable of in this role, you are very capable. What's the problem? This should no matter what anybody else thinks, if you can find proof by yourself that you are capable, that's all that should matter. And so that is what I want to kind of make sure we are all aligned on on this topic is that you go and you find your own proof. And no matter what society thinks, no matter what the average Joe may think about what you bring to the table as a dad when it comes to parenting, especially nurturing. That's the thing that I realize that it's still it's 2026, and people act like it's a foreign thing for a dad to be able to be a good nurturer, right? Like, who why would I just want to be one thing? Why would I just want to be in a box? Why would I not want to be all things for my child, right? And so that's something for you to think about. Just find the proof, find the proof that you are indeed valuable to your kids, find the proof that you are very capable and you can show up for them in ways that any walking human being can. Find that evidence, find that evidence that they appreciate you, and that is how you kind of navigate this feeling of feeling undervalued. And last thing I'll say is if I'm being honest, I've in my reflection on this, I look back and realized a lot of the maybe not a lot, but a big part of the reason why I felt like so frustrated is because I didn't get this type of treatment, right? So that's all me. That's all ego. It has nothing to do with a teacher, nothing to do with a doctor, nothing to do with my daughter's mom, nothing to do with society. It has everything to do with my ego feeling like, why are you not acknowledging the fact that I'm showing up to everything and no one did this for me, right? My dad didn't do this for me. Why and I'm doing it, and I want a cookie, I want to, I want a sticker, but we don't do things for stickers, we don't we don't do things for cookies, we do them because that's what we have to do, and so once you are real about that and you take a deep look internally, you'll realize that a lot of this stuff is gonna stem from your childhood. But don't sit in it, don't sit in the victim, in your child, don't sit in it, acknowledge it, and it's great to know that you'll most men aren't even taught these things, so know that. But now, how can we navigate it and find proof that we mean a lot to our kids, whether they're in great health, whether they're in bad health, we mean a lot to them. Whether they're happy or sad, we mean a lot to them, and we provide immense value. So just think about that and share this with any dad who you feel can relate and needs to hear this message. I'll see you next week.