You Aren't a Bad Dad: How to Break Generational Cycles

Ever feel overwhelmed by dad guilt after snapping at your kids? You aren’t a bad father; you might just be unconsciously repeating history and parenting the exact way you were raised.

In this episode, we break down how to stop beating yourself up and uncover the real root causes of negative generational cycles in fatherhood. True change doesn't come from forcing perfection; it comes from shifting from reaction to reflection. By using self-awareness, deep empathy, and practical mindfulness, you can heal your past and change the trajectory of your family line.

🎁 GET THE FREE STARTER GUIDE: Stop repeating history. Grab your copy of The Inside-Out Father Blueprint, a 4-part practice for high-achieving dads who want to move from reaction to reflection: https://threesixfivedad.kit.com/innershadow 

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What we cover in today’s talk:

• The Power of Empathy: How forgiving your own father breaks the chain.
• Dependent Origination: Understanding the deep-rooted causes behind your parenting triggers.
• Cultivating a Mindfulness Practice: 3 sustainable habits (meditation, journaling, and mindful walking) to regulate your nervous system.

If this talk resonated with you, please leave a 5-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It helps other fathers find this brotherhood. I appreciate you all.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Are you a father that's self-aware enough to realize that when you react and snap at your kids, it's probably because that was done to you, right? That's one part of breaking generational cycles when it comes to parenting, especially fatherhood. And especially, you know, negative generational cycles. And just even saying that word sometimes, that phrase sounds wild, right? Like you gotta break a generational cycle. Like that sounds like a lot of pressure, honestly. It doesn't sound fun, um, but there's liberation in that, and that's what this talk is about today. It's really about how can we as dads realize that we need to not be so hard on ourselves when we're not proud of our reactions and how we show up sometimes as fathers, because chances are we're just regurgitating, we're just unconsciously parenting how we were parented, and that's completely normal. And so we have to first understand that that's a fact, but second, use that fact to let it fuel change for you as a dad and how you interact with your kids, right? But also let it be the center of what I would say is like good self-compassion for yourself as a dad, like stop beating yourself up, right? And so today we're gonna talk about that. How can we do practical things day to day, practical things even with our mindset? How can we shift our perception to not only break generational cycles, right? But also like empathize with our fathers and our grandfathers and their dads and so forth, right? Because newsflash, how you treat your kids, uh, is definitely something that's in you based off of prior, right? Prior fathers before you in your family and your ancestors. So you can still take accountability, but you could also take it easy on yourself a bit. Um, and today we're gonna talk about three ways uh that we can positively break negative generational cycles when it comes to fatherhood. Uh, welcome to my channel. If you're listening to the podcast, welcome to the podcast. Uh, my name is Odini. I am a mindful fatherhood coach, and I help dads show up more present, but not just physically, I help them be more present physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally uh for their children and also for themselves. And so, yeah, if that sounds like something that you've been wanting to do as a father, I guarantee you this talk and the entire channel and podcast is something that you'll probably find good value in just to know that somebody else is a dude that understands you. The first one is gonna be empathy, right? Showing empathy. When I was writing up the newsletter for this topic, I researched, you know, the definition of empathy according to Webster. And I don't quote me, I forget the exact verbiage, but the main part of the definition of empathy in a dictionary is that you are so understanding, right, of someone else's actions that you can almost feel it, right? Because you know what they're going through, and so you're like so understanding and so in tune with how what they're going through, how they're reacting to something that you almost feel it yourself, and that's what empathy is, right? And I say that to say, I'll be real with you, I was not showing my dad any kind of empathy before I started doing this type of work, right? Like my father was somebody who you know yelled a lot, he hit me a lot when I was growing up, he didn't spend any time with me really. And I'll be vulnerable on this channel and let you know. For a long time, I grew up telling people that my dad was my stepfather, like that's how much I dislike my father. I I was telling people like that's my stepdad. And when I think about it, like imagine my daughter or my son telling someone that I'm their stepfather, like that actually crushes me, makes me really sad when I think about it. But basically, it took until I became a father, right? My son is 14, and so I would say he was born, I was probably like 24. Um, and when he was born, I'm like, man, now I see, right, how easily it is for a father, a parent in general, to just react because that's how they were treated when they were growing up. And that's when I said to myself, like, I'm yelling at my son, right? I'm like talking down to him, and I'm like, man, you know, this is my dad all over again. Um, but then the empathy comes in where I think to myself, like, I actually feel bad for my dad now that I think about it, because you know, as a millennial father, we have so much resources, right? That we can learn about ourselves more, that we can learn about parenting more, learn about how to be mindful more, things that regulate our nervous system that then positively affects how we show up. That's where I empathize with him. I'm like, one, I empathize because I totally get how easy it is to just parent how you were parented because I was guilty of that, and I'm sure sometimes I still am, right? And so when I think about it, I'm like, yo, he tried his best, just like I'm trying my best, and you're trying your best. The second one, and this is more of a Buddhist philosophy, but it's called dependent origination. And uh, if you think about what dependent origination means, essentially it is everything that happens, right, every effect that is taking place has a cause. And usually this cause is deep-seated, right? Deep-rooted cause, right? And so ties back to being uh empathetic, is to understand that the way that I'm acting right now when it comes to being a dad, it this was put in place before me, right? Um, empathy is being able to obviously feel that and realize the similarities that you've you're displaying as a dad, and also tie it to the what your dad did to you and how you were raised, and just being empathetic, like I hear you, but dependent origination, it goes a little deeper because we're talking about back eons, generations of generations of dads ago in your family, right? Your ancestors, and you have to really sit with that, and I think that's liberating. I use that word a lot when it comes to this topic because it's like, yo, I was sitting there extremely mad at a man, then I'm like extremely disappointed in myself without taking the time to realize that how I'm showing up right now was low-key destined this way. It was like planted. I'm aware of that. That's why I said you gotta be uh self-aware as a father and as a man to realize this, but now what? Right? We want to take the information in, that's great. We're already ahead of most people, you know, when it comes to this type of thing, is to sit and look yourself in the mirror and be like, how I'm acting right now as a dad. I know it was because of a lot of actions that were taking place before I was even a father, before I was even born. But because I know that, that's liberating. Now I can change it and stop beating myself up. So that's the second way to break generational cycles as a father is to understand the concept that nothing that is happening in your life. Let's go straight to fatherhood. That's what this talk is about. Nothing that is happening in your life as a dad, how you're reacting, how you choose to do this and or do that. It's not happening independent of other things, right? Like all the forces and the causes come together to have you react this way. So now you know that. How do we go about fixing it? That leads me to the third uh tip how to break generational cycles as a dad, and that is to cultivate a mindfulness practice because a mindfulness practice is going to regulate your nervous system. And when you have a regulated nervous system, it's much more easy for you to see things as they truly are, and how wonderful is that in any situation, not just parenting. Think about how many situations you've gone through in life in general, whether it be with a spouse, other family members, colleagues, even strangers, that you're like overreacting and you're mad at it because you did not take that experience for what it really was. You attached all of your past trauma to the experience, and it just became something completely different. And that's what you do as a dad as well. That's what we do as dads as well. I always want to throw we in there because I'm not talking to you from the top of the mountain, right? I'm kind of talking to you side by side. The third thing is cultivating a mindfulness practice. Now, how you cultivate a mindfulness practice can look different for everybody. We just want to make sure it's sustainable, and so, real quick, I'll tell you three things without going into great detail. I have a bunch of videos on all of these things I'm gonna talk about next, and I'll do more videos going into more detail. Uh, but three mindfulness things that I I would say do almost daily actually is I cultivate a meditation practice, right? You you know I swear by meditation, and so this isn't gonna be a video telling you how to meditate, it's just a video advising you to find the time where there's quiet and that you can just watch your breath, and that you can see the thoughts come and realize that you are not those thoughts, and realize that you're much bigger than those thoughts, and it's actually pretty cool to just look at them and be like, huh, I see what you're trying to do, but I'm gonna question that, right? I'm not gonna accept it, I'm not gonna cling to it, I'm just gonna see it and let it go. You do that 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes every day. You just find a seat, find a cushion, you could even do it laying down. I guarantee you, you start to see things how they truly are, and your kids will respond positively to you because they'll see that your whole demeanor is changing. My son tells me all the time, I love that he uses this word. He goes, Ever since you started, you know, your mindfulness journey, you've become a much more understanding father. I I can't ask for anything else. That's just me, right? It like my son looks at me or he looks at the a random person and says, My dad is is very understanding. I think everything I do has is worth it, that alone makes it worth it, right? And the last mindfulness practice that I do is walking, but it's mindful walking because I usually don't have my any devices with me when I take my walks, and this is like a 30-minute walk. I kind of leave the phones at home. Um, I also make it mindful because I'm feeling my foot on the concrete or if it's on the dirt or on the grass, wherever I'm walking, so even if you have on shoes, pay attention to your foot hitting the street, right? Pay attention to your foot hitting earth, right? And your body and earth connection when you walk, it would just do wonders for you, right? And that's actually another way of low-key practicing meditation because you're aware of the steps you're taking. I promise you, when I'm at work and like I go up these flights of steps, I'm like, gotta be mindful. And I go up these flights of steps and I listen and I feel my foot touching the steps as I go up, right? And that to me, that's me being aware in the present moment. So you can do the same thing when you walk, walk and just be aware of your body touching the earth and be aware of your surroundings. And so, those are the three ways as a dad that you can very, very practically help break generational cycles, especially like negative generational cycles, when it comes to how you're showing up as a dad, and then how your kid will show up and his kid will show up, and so on, and so on. It starts with one forgiving and being empathetic to your own dad, right? Second is understanding that nothing that's happening right now is happening on its own, right? There is deep, deep, deep, deep rooted seeds that have been planted prior to you even being here that plays a part in how you show up today as a father. Understand that. Stop beating yourself up now that you know that, but now let's make a change. And the way to make a change is to the third tip cultivate a mindfulness practice, a sustainable mindfulness practice by doing things such as meditating, journaling, and taking walks, but being mindful on those walks. I hope today's talk was helpful. I will catch you next week for the next one. And as always, I'm sending you all light, and I appreciate you all. See you next week.