The One Thing Missing From Every Dad's Apology

Apologizing to your kids is the right move. But if you stop there, the cycle repeats. In this video I break down what comes after the apology; the self-inquiry that actually changes how you show up.

Key Themes:
Why Dads Avoid Sorry
Apology Is Just Step One
Right Action Explained
 Triggered Then Repair
Showing Up Isn't Enough
Personal Story
Owning It And Apologizing
The Real Work Reflection

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Transcript

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A lot of times when I talk to fathers about things they wish they could do more of apologizing always comes up, right? And the ones who do apologize, they're very proud of that. And I was in the same boat. I remember quite distinctively the first time that I sincerely apologized to my son. He's 14 now, and this was probably like, I don't know, he was probably like 10 or something like that. And that sucks to think about it, right? Like, dang, you waited 10 years to say I'm sorry for something. And that's the tough part about this role and this fatherhood in general is not beating yourself up for what you wish you would have done or you know what you wish you didn't do. And so I would say like a genuine apology for real, right? Like I would say probably like 10 or so. So you're looking at like four years ago. And if you are a father and you have taken the strides to actually apologize and mean it, you know what that feels like. You feel like you're you've overcome this way of being like everybody else, almost, right? Like, oh, I can I'm mad enough to say I'm sorry, especially to my child, because unfortunately, society loves to make us feel like we are here and our children are here or beneath us. And so we tend to, if we are apologizing, feel really, really good about ourselves. This video was just to kind of advise you that while the apology is great, it can't stop there, right? Because an apology, even if you mean it, even if you sincerely apologize, if it stops there, the cycle is just gonna repeat itself over and over again. And so just apologizing and even meaning it isn't enough. The next level of the work is to understand why the thing that you're apologizing for, why that happened in the first place, right? What led to that action happening in the first place? And a lot of my videos I like to kind of give a Buddhist concept to apply it to what I'm doing and what you're what and how you can apply it to your parenting. And so this video, I think I'm gonna go with the concept of right action, right? And so, right action in Buddhism is one of the things on the eightfold path, right, that helps us stop suffering. And right action is essentially meaning it's pretty simple. It's what you is exactly what if you were not familiar with this, and someone were to say, What is right action? I'm taking action, I'm doing the right things, and these things will not only benefit myself, it's gonna benefit others around me, and it's gonna help me to not suffer as much, it's gonna help me to not suffer internally as much, and so this action that I'm taking, they have to be deliberate, they have to come from a place of genuine love, right? They can't be ill-intended, right? So, just right action. And so the first thing is you completely get triggered, you snap at your kids. What's the right action after that? 1,000% it's to acknowledge it and apologize for your behavior, just how you would with your spouse or your family member or your friend or your colleague. It doesn't change. So the right action in any situation that you know you've behaved in a way that you're not proud of is to apologize. And so it doesn't stop there though, right? The right action on top of that now is the internal work, and this is the part that a lot of men kind of overlook. I've been there, sometimes I still overlook the work, right? But the work is the really important part. You've probably done a lot of work to even muster up the courage to say I'm sorry to your child. So we want to applaud that. That's great. Seriously, like I'm not even trying to be like sarcastic. We want to applaud that because many men, many fathers will go a lifetime without ever saying sorry to their kids. And I'm sure some of you watching this, if you're like myself as a millennial father, I guarantee you your dad probably never said I'm sorry, ever. Right? Especially if you're from, you know, like a Caribbean culture like I am. So just even building up the courage and the awareness to say I'm sorry, seriously, like that deserves great, great, great recognition. Unfortunately, like anything else we want to be great at, it's usually more than that. It's usually more work than that. You know, I tell my son all the time, like, yeah, we you know, he wakes up sometimes six, seven in the morning when everybody else is sleeping, and we got to go to the basketball court to get better. But then I tell him all the time, like, that's one action of getting better and outperforming your peers. That's great. The average person is not doing this right now. Awesome. But guess what? Unfortunately, that's not enough, bro. Like I tell them this all the time. Like, now that you're here, the right action is giving it your all now that you're here, right? That's what's gonna propel you to the next level, not just showing up. Showing up is great though, because most people aren't here. Most people are still sleeping your age. So that's great that we're here today, but now what? And so that's great that we apologize, but now what? And the now what is the hardest part about this, is because you have to look at yourself. And we, you know, we like to look at ourselves in the mirror when we got a fresh haircut, you know what I'm saying? We like to look at ourselves in the mirror when we got that nice outfit on. We love to look at ourselves, but what about looking at yourself internally, right? Because that's what's gonna fix all the stuff that you stress about at night when no one is looking. Looking at yourself internally, that's what's gonna fix all the things that make you feel like you're not worthy, the things that make you feel like you're not valued. Looking at yourself internally will help that. Not the haircut, not the new shoes, not the outfit. So when I say look at yourself, I'm talking about the deaths, right? Internally. And so I one time I remember my son, this is very recent. My son, we were in the American Dream Hall here in New Jersey, and there was like a um a basketball thing happening. And I'm and when I say very recent, I'm talking about like not even a month ago. So there was a basketball thing happening, and people were like shooting a basketball to get, I don't know, I think tickets to the final four or something like that. And I'm like, Caleb, you need to go do that. And he's like, you could tell he's scared, and he's like, nah. And I'm like, you need to go do that. Like, let's go do that. And like he's blaming it on the line because it was a decent line, but because I know my kid more than anybody else in the world, like I know the line was just an excuse for I'm nervous, and I get mad at him, right? I get like really mad, and I'm like, what do you mean you're nervous? Like, and I'm like, Caleb, you are literally one of the best shooters at your age. I don't even care what state, let alone just New Jersey. You are literally an elite shooter. I'm like, go down there. I think they were giving people like three opportunities to make one three. Come on, like, and he had on slides, and that doesn't matter, like I'm telling you. And I'm like, dude, go knock down two of these, please. Like, let's like stop playing. And he did not want to do it. And so the day goes on, we're at the mall, we do like a skiing thing, indoor skiing, and we come back, and basically they are still there shooting or they're wrapping up. And so I'm like, why didn't you do that? And he's like, Oh, you know, the line was long, and then I got really frustrated, and I was like, I'm not, I'm gonna be very vulnerable here. I called him a F and punk. I was like, you know why you didn't do it? Because you were F punk. And in the moment, I could see he's like, What? Like, you could tell he's like very much not happy about this, and I'm like, Yeah, I'm like, that's your problem. I'm like, you're not confident enough because you see people here, but you can go play in a game, and people are watching you because it's a it's a setting that you're used to. It's I'm like, you know, it's an environment that you're used to, and because this is out of your comfort zone, you scared, and I like let them have it. And so briefly after like things like calm down and our day goes on per normal. Literally, like I'm in a car driving back, and I'm like, I don't feel good about this. I'm like, I don't feel good about this at all. And this was a Saturday. I didn't apologize to him until like a few days later. And this is probably one of the things that I'm like very much not proud of as a dad because I take pride in like jumping getting in front of these things as I do majority of the times these days, but this thing I didn't get in front of, and so like I was with him again a couple days later, and I was like, we were in a car, and I was like, yo, Caleb, I wanna seriously apologize for calling you an F and Punk in the mall. I was like, you know, that's on me. I was like, you my way of being frustrated with you doesn't have to come out that way, you know, and I told him my frustration was because I sometimes feel like I have more confidence in yourself than you do. And as a father, that is like so frustrating, right? And I know many of you, especially if you have kids who play sports and you feel like they actually have the drive and the potential to be great, you feel that you're like, I just want them to see it. And so my way of feeling that was to like call him a F and Punk, which was like not proud of that at all. And it took me some days of reflecting though to get to that point of like, all right, why did I do that? And so I apologized to him a couple days later, but trust me when I tell you, like, I sat for many minutes several times a day, like, why? Why did I do that? And I don't want to give the excuse, like, I'm human, we all make mistakes. Like, yes, that's obvious, but that's not good enough, right? Like, why I need to understand why I've reacted that way, and it it really hit me while I reflected, like, my reaction to that was some sense of like frustration I had with him about me having more confidence in his abilities than he does. And if I break that down, which I took the time to break that down, that's me. That is a me problem. It's like a thousand percent a me problem, and that's what's important is that I came to that realization. Just apologizing, no matter when I did it, an hour later, two days later, that's not good enough. What really is important is I sat and I was like, I gotta figure this out. Like, why did I do that? And you know that I'm talking about reflecting on this on long car rides and silence. I'm talking about sitting on this cushion, reflecting on it. I'm talking about writing about it, and that's when I realized, like, bro, like Odini, you are tripping. Like, this is a you problem, and you have to find a way to resolve that. But you did that because of your own inability to let this little boy be fearful in this moment. You did that. Maybe I'm angry because it makes me feel like I didn't do a good enough job of instilling confidence in him, or who knows? But 90% of it, maybe even a hundred, is me. That reaction was a thousand percent about me, and that's the work we have to do. So, like apologizing is not enough. I hate to tell you that, right? Be proud of yourself for apologizing, but the next thing, the work after that, is to truly ask yourself, why did this happen in the first place? Why did I react this way? Why did I do that? Why did I say that? And that is right action, right? That is the complete circle of right action, is taking the right action that just as humanity have some humility about yourself, but then the next part of right action is understanding why this occurred, so you kind of know how to cure it, so you know how to show up better the next time. Yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna end there and hopefully this was helpful. And please subscribe to my newsletter. I talk about this stuff weekly. Um, consider giving the 365 DAD journal a shot, especially if you are new to journaling. I think this journal is just a great way to ease you, ease you in to journaling your feelings as a father. And then I also have the free shadow work guide uh with some free prompts that I created and some just kind of ways to show you how to reflect as you parent, as a father. And so I will catch y'all next week.